Romance can make you feel as bouncy and dainty as Tinker Bell, but when it goes wrong you feel as attractive as a Rhino in drag.
When you succeed on a first date and you’ve got their number on your phone, you have the golden ticket to lots more dates. You feel like a princess: somebody has the ‘hots’ for you. But one corker, one almighty cock-up (not a crude euphemism), can ruin the whole thing.
Never tell a man that he’s so good-looking, he looks almost feminine. And when his jaw drops, don’t add, ‘ooh, pretty feminine!’ No, that is the point where you ask him how many days a week he works out whilst staring pointedly at his biceps. And while we’re on the subject of biceps, never compare a man’s biceps to egg cups or, even worse, hold out your own biceps as a point of comparison. That is a big muscly mistake!
And never cook a meal for a man unless your cooking skills are practised more than once a year. My husband’s first experience of my cooking skills was when I made him Spaghetti bolognese. Of course, at the time, I made out I was a Jamie Oliver apprentice when it came to Spag-Bol. Anyway, I didn’t drain out any of the meat fat so it was more ‘Spag-slop-a-bowl’ which meant that half an hour later, my husband (then a keen boyfriend!) had a two hour sloppy love affair with the toilet. All I can say is that my bologneses are hygienically-sound, now!
I would also recommend that you don’t put Descaler in the kettle before your boyfriend’s family members come round. It’s an awkward moment when you have to confess that those half-drunk cups of tea sitting on everyone’s lap contain boiled De-scaler liquid. At these points, it’s best to keep very quiet whilst you feverishly look up on your i-phone the symptoms of Descaler poisoning. ‘I wish you hadn’t told me, now,’ said by your future mother-in-law that never was, thank God, confirms that such blunders should be kept secret.
Plus, if you wear glasses and you’re not keen to wear them, make sure you go for a meal where the menu is not on a tiny black board at the back of the restaurant. You think glasses are unsexy? Try squinting with your chin pointing out, like Argus Filch from ‘Harry Potter’, as you try to decipher the menu, letter by letter, because you’re too embarrassed to ask your date the contents of the menu, line by line.
If you keep making romantic blunders, time after time, decide to remain single so you don’t have to face any more cringe-worthy exchanges. Or write a romantic comedy. If you do decide to write one, I’d love to read it.
Thank you for reading my post.